“Prayin’ the 20 somethings don’t kill me, kill me” – SZA
I always thought that my middle school years was an “awkward” time for me. I was just in my prime during puberty, unacceptably weird, watched anime, listened to rock music (my taste in music has drastically changed lol), and my behavior was socially unsuitable. I never fit my clothes correctly and I was insecure about places of my body that I now walk proudly in. Phew. Glad those days are of no more.
Now that I am approaching the big “20”, I’m constantly thinking about every factor of my life. What am I going to be? Who am I going to be? Where will I be in 5 years? I’m constantly asking myself questions. It’s like I’m old enough to be grown but I’m not old enough to fully blossom into my adult life. I’m still under the care of my parents, but I’m independent to the point where I question why I’m being questioned because I’m old enough to handle myself. But then again, I’m not. There’s still that sense of self-freedom as well. I can get away with certain things that I know I most certainly won’t be able to get away with once I graduate college.
Relationships are complicated, friendships are questionable, and issues in my life are becoming more intense. Back in high school, I was just living through the motions. 5am, my morning alarm went off. 6am, I’m the first student on the bus. 7:15am, the school bus was pulling up to school. 2:15pm, school was over. 3:20pm, I had to catch the train. 4:15pm, I was in ballet class. 8pm, I was just arriving home. 9pm, I had to do homework. 11pm, I should be in bed to start the process all over again the next day. Now that I’m in college, reality has become real.
I find myself also fighting with time. Because there’s this social pressure to “get your shit together”, I find myself stressing over factors that I have no control over. There are people my age who have businesses or who are well known and famous, and I’m just a small town black girl, who comes from one of the smallest states in America, who goes to a really, really, small college. I feel small. And I feel this pressure to use my time wisely, but how?
I also am in an awkward state where I feel the pressure to be in a relationship. I’m old enough to be in love and to share that with someone else, but at the same time I feel so young, naive, and also…not ready. I’m not ready at all to share any romantic feelings with anyone. I don’t quite know myself yet and I find myself curling into a ball and just yearning to be left alone. But I love the idea of it. I’m infatuated with it. I just know that it is not my time.
I remember talking with my older brother and he told me something that stood out to me, even to this day. He said, “Your 20’s are your most loneliest years.” I didn’t believe him at the time when I was first entering college, but when I think back on it now, he makes a lot more sense. I feel awkward and in a constant psychological battle within myself while trying to seem like everything in my life is going well, when in reality I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I just know that I’m youthful and I have promise ahead of me.
When will I reach that promise?